Thursday, 29 July 2010

The busy, busy world of a multi-dimensional being

I am off on holiday soon (hurray!) but while I catch up on reading all the Neil Gaiman and Charles Dickens books I keep promising myself I'll read, I'll leave you with the intro to Trevor and the Dragon. You won't see any more of this until Halloween, when I'll begin to serialize it in the run up to Christmas - but it is worth noting that when you're a 200 year old teenage alien dinosaur with a love of fish fingers and chocolate, then the history and the future of the human race doesn't mean a jot to you. Trevor would never be welcomed inside the Tardis...

Trevor and the Dragon

Trevor Smethurst is, without a shadow of a doubt, the most intelligent creature in the whole of the universe.

Unfortunately Trevor Smethurst is also, without the slightest atom of doubt, the stupidest person in the entire universe.

I don’t really need to explain this to you, as Trevor will do his absolute best to prove this himself in no time at all.

But … if you really do need proof…

Trevor has just invented, alongside Dr Lambton Arcania (probably the second most intelligent creature in the universe) a device called a Chunk. A Chunk is a computer made entirely out of wood, but as well as being the most advanced computer in existence it is also a functioning time machine, a compass, can make coffee and cola and knows all the words to every song ever written in existence (including the ones everyone would much rather forget about).

Brilliant, you might think, absolutely brilliant.

But Trevor being Trevor he decided to test the Chunk on himself…

…Which is why he is currently hurtling through time and space completely out of control.

This sounds extraordinarily exciting. It is not. All of time and space, all packed together all at once, is a sort of dirty beige colour, and by far the most interesting thing about all of time and space is Trevor himself.

Trevor Smethurst looks like a small tyrannosaurus rex dressed in a maroon blazer. In fact he is an alien called a Killian dressed in a maroon blazer. In one pocket he has five bars of chocolate, in another he has a Monkey Master Blaster collector’s edition ruler (Trevor’s favourite comic book) and on his right inside pocket he has a pair of spectacles. These spectacles are another astonishing invention (created by Dr Arcania) which transform the wearer into whatever species is on that particular planet in that particular time period – which is just about to come in very handy indeed.

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